IWSG: Stalled by Health

So.

March was horrible.

Not even midway through the month, I started experiencing heart palpitations.  (I'm not quite 48, btw, so this is not normal.)

After a few days of suffering anxiety over this, it slowly dawned on me that this was likely being caused by the stress of working on my script for the game jam.  I stopped working on it for a few days and the symptoms got better.

Of course, when I resumed working on it, they sure enough started up again.  😫  I had started the month hoping to write the entire visual novel's script in the first month of the jam and then get the programming done in the second month.

Because of this heart thing, I'm not even quite to the point I had decided would be a good stopping point for a demo version. 😭  Fortunately, there's another place that a demo can stop, but... 😖

It just really annoys me that my own body sabotaged me like this.

Honestly, if I hadn't spent ~$65 on various art assets for the game, and two artists hadn't generously donated their time to make character sprites, I'd just cancel the thing and say "well, this just means no more game jams!"

Admittedly, I've still taken a "no more game jams" policy, but...I can't just cancel the game now.  I'm just not sure how I'll ever finish it. 😩  (I can, at least, find someone else to do the programming, but the rest of the writing...that's harder to deal with.  Though at least that part won't have a time limit.)

I am going to spend so much time writing fanfiction to de-stress after this.  (Which sounds crazy, writing to de-stress from writing, but...🤷🏻‍♀️)

I think what most irks me about this is that I put off working on one of my novels to do this game jam, after rushing to try and get its next draft and release prep done first.  That may have added to the stress, actually... 😰

Ugh.

My life is just a wreck.

That's the short version.  Even my hobbies are bad for me.

(On the other hand, this forced me to finally get a new primary care physician, so small win?)

IWSG: March like a hare

 

    Wow, so that title makes no sense. 😰

    Anyway...

    March 1 question - Have you ever read a line in novel or a clever plot twist that caused you to have author envy?

    This is a short answer:  all the freaking time!  😭 

    Not so much lines and plot twists so much as general sense of character and story, though, honestly.  It's the big picture that more impresses me than the little details, and I'm even worse at the big picture than I am at the little details.  (Which is not to say that I'm good at the details.  I suck at those, too.)

    I'm currently feeling even less talented than usual, of course, which isn't helping this post.  (I keep starting to say things and then deleting them because they're too pitiful to admit to.)

    That being the case, I think I'm just going to stop here before I end up saying something that will make me wince later. 😅

Good grief!

     It's like I'm made of solid procrastination these days.

    I need to take a break after I finish this piece I'm working on.  I am determined to finish it today--the scene I'm currently procrastinating on is the epilogue!--but it's currently over 132k words long, and I started it on January 5th...so, yeah, a lot of words in not all that long a time.  (Though I did once clock over 211k during NaNoWriMo.  But that only happened the once.  And I suspect that if I went back and reread I would find that they were very badly assembled words. 😅  However, due to life stuff, that work is now permanently off-limits.)

    Anyway.

    I'm writing up another post because I'm not sure how to handle the epilogue.  Or rather that I can't actually think of much to put in it?  In this scene of it, that is.  Technically, there's already been like two or three scenes that could qualify as epilogue in some sense of the word.  (The "sex" scene I was having so much trouble with yesterday was the first of them, in fact.)  In this particular scene, the final one, I need the hero and his family to attend the one month celebration for his sister's second child.  Major problem with that is that I have zero clue what a one month celebration would consist of and really don't want to have to go researching it for half a scene's worth of text.  (Even if I did, the information would only exist for modern China, not the unspecified period in which the original novel takes place, which the author actually admitted is based on the customs of several different time periods anyway...)  Especially since the main point of the scene is just to show that life is settling down again, and to describe what the hero made as a gift for the baby.  (Basically the same thing he made for her first child in the original novel, only in a different shape.  Of course, he never got to give the first child that gift in the novel, because horrible things happened and soon both the child's parents were dead, but that's why this is an alternate universe fan fiction in which most of the horrible stuff never happened and a lot of characters who died tragically get to live. 😁 )  So I'm sort of not sure what else to put in the scene and I am thus procrastinating from writing it by doing something else.  Which is obviously not productive (I mean, that's the point of procrastinating, being unproductive is) but maybe it will clear my brain a little.

    Doing something physically creative like working on the fine details for my boxed rooms will do a better job of that, of course, but I want to wait and do that after I've completely finished the scene.  (Also after the new flooring and the unfinished new furniture arrives that I ordered from a miniatures shop on Etsy yesterday...)

    Anyway!

    I did want to share a bit I wrote earlier today because I really liked it, and it will be a very long time before it gets posted on AO3 for anyone to see it in context.

    Who these characters are doesn't really matter much to this little snippet of the scene, except that they're a married couple (both men) with their adopted son.

            “Don’t carry me around!  I’m not a little kid anymore!” claimed the five-year-old child.

            “I’ll carry you around until you’re too big for me to lift!” Wei Wuxian insisted.

            “No fair!  Father, make him put me down!”

            Lan Zhan reached out and stroked A-Yuan’s hair.  “A-Yuan is still very portable,” he said, making the boy complain even as he smiled happily.

    Maybe it's just me.  But I loved the idea of describing him as "still very portable." 😊  (The one is "Father" because the other is "Daddy," btw.  In case anyone was thinking "Father" sounded a bit formal coming from a kid who's only five.)

    Aaaaaand I should stop procrastinating and just write that last scene.

   

    (Also, what I reported yesterday remains the case:  Goodsmile wants all my money.  Today they dropped the pre-order for a Nendoroid of the lead from Bocchi the Rock...)

    EDIT:  just finished that fanfic I've been working on.  133,158 words long. 😅  Not the longest fan fiction I've ever written, but the longest in quite some time.

Why do I do this to myself?

     I have a bad habit of trying to write things that I am literally incapable of writing.

    I like to come up with stories that result in climactic final battles, even though I absolutely cannot write combat.  (This is largely a genre issue, I think, as I tend towards adventurous stories, especially when I am working in a genre that's even tangentially fantastical.)

    I also often end up wanting to write about love stories and sexual encounters, despite that as an aromantic person I don't really understand love and as an asexual I have never experienced sex.  But for some benighted reason I still want to write about them.  (Sometimes.  Other times I gleefully ditch them and relish in making characters as ace as I am.)

    So last night I was writing out some notes about the scene that I am currently procrastinating in the middle of.

    The notes were as follows:

           Ooooookay.   Soooooooo.  Is it even possible for me to write a sex scene?

            In a fandom where I would not feel comfortable using most slang for sex organs?

            Uh.

            No.

            No, it is not.

            So...what do I do with this scene, then?  I don't want them reuniting with their son in scene 69.  That would just creep me out.

            So I suppose I do one of my usual half-assed "kinda a sex scene if you turn your head and squint" things?

            But…like….what?

            I mean, it's...like...not even an appropriate time, considering they were just in a battle where like ¾ of their army got wiped out!  Also...well, no, actually, that's the big one.  But it's big!

             Although I did already set up that LWJ is literally ready for sex every time he even looks at WWX (and I think canon will largely back me up on that) so I guess it's not too weird?

    I felt like sharing them because I thought they were kind of funny.

    Also because procrastinating.

    (Because I'm kinda sorta trying to write that almost-a-sex-scene and I maybe got to the point where I had to describe their position and I'm panicking because how can I possibly describe it that won't embarrass me to death?!  Why does sex have to exist?  Why can't we all be like Barbie and Ken dolls, with nothing under our clothes but smooth plastic?  (Okay, technically, these days Barbie and Ken have molded on underwear, but back when I was a kid, they were just smooth plastic under the clothes.))

    (How am I supposed to describe two men getting in position for mutual oral sex when I don't want to use any convenient term for sex organs but all the less convenient terms are super awkward and sound stupidly stilted?)

    Why do I do this to myself?!

    Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!!!!!!

    (The fact that this is for fan fiction only makes it stupider, of course...)

    (Speaking of complaining (not that I was speaking of it), Goodsmile Company wants all my money.  They just yesterday dropped the pre-orders for special Year of the Rabbit Nendoroid versions of Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, and of course I had to preorder them because they are so flippin' cute it's unfair.  Their eye highlights are little bunnies and they come with bunnies that neatly stack on top of each other, and they're just so darn cute! 😅  A fan and her money are all too soon parted...)

IWSG: Where did January go?

 

    Seriously, was January shorter this month than usual?  It feels like it shouldn't be over yet, not at all.

    Uh, okay, not relevant.

    So...I kinda feel like I do at the end of November, actually, sort of worn out by writing.  This is, of course, because I've written over 100k since January 5th.  😅  I wasn't really trying to, mind you; I just wanted to start on the work in question (fan fiction, sadly, but hey, it's more likely to be read than my regular fiction, so...🤷) and I wanted to get it done before the game jam I've committed to entering in March.

    And March sounds a long way off, but...enh.

    February's a short month, after all, and this thing turned out to be a lot longer than I was expecting it to be, so I'm glad I've put so much time into it in January!  Fortunately, I'm closing in on the end now (the remaining scenes are:  hero continues reconnecting with his brother, hero gets a tip from an old friend, we get a scene filling us in on what the bad guys have been up to lately, the good guys have a mass meeting to discuss the bad guys, the final confrontation with the bad guys, and then the epilogue) so I hope I can finish it within another week or so.  Preferably within the week, though.

    Because I had hoped to do another draft of Book 3 of my semi-YA series and maybe even get it released before I have to start on the game jam VN.  (Thankfully, the current draft is close enough to ready that it doesn't need a full-on new draft, just some piecemeal work.)

    On the other hand, I do feel like this new fandom I'm working in has pushed me in a few directions that might actually help my overall writing quality (esp. in terms of characterization), so that's a win?

    Ugh.

    This has been a terrible post.

    Sorry.

    Brain is fried, y'know?

IWSG: Word of 2023

 

        So, for once I'm answering the monthly question, because it coincides with what I wanted to talk about anyway. 😄

January 4 question - Do you have a word of the year? Is there one word that sums up what you need to work on or change in the coming year? [snip] What is your word for 2023? Why?

     My word for 2023 is "Improve" because that's something I need desperately to do.  (Obviously, or why else would I pick it as my word, right?)

    Though there's a lot of stuff I need to work on, I plan to start with characterization.  Usually when I'm writing, I have a very firm idea in my head of who a character is and what they're like, but that doesn't always come through on the page.  I once had a beta reader tell me that all three of the lead characters of the novel they'd read over seemed to have the same personality.  I thought I'd made them radically different, because they were so different in my head, but when I looked over his comments about how they were behaving, I could see that yeah, I really hadn't made them reflect my perception of them.

    So, that's where I want to start.  Though I'll be working on other projects in the meantime--I just finished up with a redraft of a novel on New Year's Day, which still needs a bit more work, so I might get back to that around the end of the month, and in the meantime I'll probably work on fanfic to keep my juices flowing--I've joined a game jam that's going to run for two months, starting in March.  I've already started planning what the characters are going to be like, and I want to get them really well defined before I start, then focus on making sure their personalities are properly expressed.  Also I want to make sure they have distinct voices; failing to give characters their own voices has been one of my biggest stumbling blocks as a writer.  (I have to admit, that's one of the things I like in the novel series I've been rewriting:  one of the characters actually has a distinct voice!  Also something I like about the fandom I've been obsessed with lately, because one of the two leads has a voice so distinctive that even I can more or less replicate it.)

    I'd also like to improve my pacing and plotting.  (Which sounds like I mean something else entirely when I say it like that. 🤣)  I often feel like not much actually happens in the stuff I write.  Like the characters spend so long talking about whatever's happening that there's no time for anything to actually happen.  If that makes any sense.

    It's a weird problem, really, for my characters to always turn out so chatty, considering that I practically never speak.  (That's why I'm really grateful to shows like Komi Can't Communicate and Bocchi the Rock; even though my social anxiety is nowhere near that bad, it still makes me feel seen and acknowledged, you know?  Now if someone would just do an anime about aroace people, or about overweight people who aren't offensive stereotypes...)  I suppose it means I should only write super-light slice-of-life stories where people talking is literally the only thing that's supposed to happen, but somehow I never really manage that...?

    (Although, honestly, on the characterization front, I think I did kinda manage to write a unique character in my latest game.  I can't really brag about the two characters having different voices, of course, since I decided to make one of them only speak in emojis, but the one who did speak was really pretty different from any other character I've written.  I'm kind of proud of it, even though it's not much of a muchness.)

    If possible, I'd also like to improve the speed of my writing.  At this rate, it's going to take me another four or five years to finish rewriting those novels--the one I just finished a draft of is book 3 of 7!--and I really don't want to have to wait that long before moving on to try and rehabilitate some of my other unfinished/abandoned novel projects.  (Admittedly, book three was rather stymied by me spending some six months or so working on researching and then writing someone else's visual novel, but...that's still no excuse!  (Besides, I want to write the sequel to that visual novel, because a lot of what we originally planned ended up being left for the sequel, and I'm really attached to some of the characters that ended up not showing up yet!))  I'm not sure if that's possible, though.  I already write pretty fast--though not as fast as I used to, I'm sorry to say--so it's like...ugh, I don't know.

    I probably shouldn't be trying to write this post at like one in the morning... 😴

I forgot a major point!

         Okay, so in my previous post, looking at only the spoiler-free changes between the novel Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation (Mo Dao Zu Shi) and its live-action adaptation, The Untamed, I mentioned that I felt like I had more to say on the subject, but I couldn't remember what it was.  Well, I've remembered what it was now.  😅

           So, as I mentioned before, both novel and show begin with the death of the lead, Wei Wuxian (WWX), and then immediately jump to his revival 13 years later (or 16 years in the Netflix subtitles).  His revival is actually rather grim:  a mentally disturbed young man, Mo Xuanyu (MXY), sacrifices his own life to bring WWX back from the dead, in order to have WWX kill the people who have made MXY's life a living hell.  In the novel, MXY specifically extinguishes his own soul in order that WWX's soul can inhabit his body:  an early part of the experience for WWX is finding a mirror so he can see what his new face looks like.  (Fortunately for him, MXY is very pretty, even if he's a bit more petite than WWX was.)  In the show, it's a little less clear what happened (though some of the dialog about MXY sacrificing his soul remains in place), because WWX wakes up in the Mo household, on the floor inside a spell circle drawn in blood, and then he's suddenly confronted by this ragged figure with his face wrapped in bandages, saying that WWX has to kill his enemies, then the figure just sort of vanishes, because it was MXY, but the implication is that MXY had sacrificed not just his soul but also his body in order to restore WWX's entire body, not just his soul.  Since they obviously didn't want to replace their gorgeous leading actor, this seems like a change that makes sense, right?

          Unfortunately, wrong.

           I mean, okay, yes, not replacing the lead actor 100% makes sense.  But the way they did it is inconsistent, and kind of feels like they changed their minds a few times in filming and then forgot to fix things in post, or something.

           Obviously, the simplest way to film the story of the novel live action would require Quantum Leap-ing it:  periodically show the revived WWX's reflection, and it's not his reflection but that of MXY, and we're just seeing WWX because the show is still largely in his POV (we do sometimes hear his thoughts), and at first it seems like maybe that's what's happening, since MXY's aunt sees WWX and recognizes him as MXY.

           But then later on there are scenes where WWX has to wear a mask to hide his face to prevent people from recognizing him.  And it's not as MXY that they'd be recognizing him (most of said people wouldn't know MXY and/or wouldn't care about his presence) but as WWX.  So, as the show stands, it's like people who knew MXY see MXY when they look at WWX, but people who knew WWX see WWX.  (Not sure who they see if they knew both parties.  Still WWX, I guess?)  Which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if there was at least some kind of explanation for that, but there really isn't:  it kinda feels like they expect that by the time you're done with the flashback, you'll have forgotten that Madam Mo still saw MXY when she looked at WWX.

             Like the river of lava thing I talked about last time and the dialog proving that at the time of filming there had been no lava planned to be there, this feels like an error that was made late enough in production that they didn't have the time to fix it, or something.  Really, the problem is mostly just the others in the Mo household (and maybe Jin Ling?) recognizing him as MXY:  the idea of the spell having the ability to restore his original body is fine, it's just not handled consistently, which is frustrating to someone like me who sometimes gets hung up on the little details.  And, of course, it's compounded by the fact that there's no attempt to reflect the characters aging, so everyone looks the same after WWX's revival as they did before his death more than a decade earlier.  (Even worse, they're all much too old in the flashback sequence:  at the start of the flashback, WWX and many of the other characters are supposed to be only 15 years old!  Some other characters who are actually supposed to be early 20s are played by actors who seem to be in their 30s, too.  (Though I should admit that I am not good at guessing people's ages by looking at them...))  For that matter, the flashback sequence does not feel like it takes 6-7 years, and yet it does.  (In fact, the subtitles on Netflix specifically negate that reality:  they say "16 years later" between WWX's death and his revival and then they say "16 years earlier" as the flashback begins.  Not sure if that problem is on Netflix' end or if that was on the production itself.)

        So...yeah, I think now I've gotten most of the non-spoiler stuff said.  I'll probably want to do a spoiler-heavy post later on, but only after rereading the novel (which I can't do until the last volume comes out, which last time I checked was scheduled for early May) and rewatching the show.