IWSG - So...I'm an idiot....

 

    So, I got so caught up in the stress of getting my game jam entry finalized and submitted that I also went ahead and posted the IWSG post I had been working on about the experience (working in the down time while I waited for the team's programmer to get the next build ready) a day early, because somehow my brain thought it was already the first?

    I don't even know what happened.

    But rather than try to find a way to take the post down and then post it again, I figured "enh, why bother?"  If anyone wants to read my post about the game jam experience and the roller-coaster it sent my writer's brain through over the month of August, it's still there, so feel free.

    For once, I'm actually gonna answer the optional question, because I don't have much else to say right now.  *cough*

    So, the suggested question is "How do you define success as a writer? Is it holding your book in your hand? Having a short story published? Making a certain amount of income from your writing?"

    (OMG, why did it copy the formatting?  How do I make it not copy the formatting?)

    For me, success as a writer is something for other people.  Which sounds defeatist, so let me try to find a different way to phrase that.

    "Success" is not what I'm aiming for as a writer.

    I enjoy writing, and I love the process of forming up stories out of vague ideas.  And, of course, those ideas would just take over my brain willy-nilly if I didn't write them.

    But I'm not trying to be "successful" in any meaningful way.  Yes, there was a time when I dreamed of publishing my novels, and then there was a dream of being a successful screenwriter, but those dreams died a long time ago.  And not in the "oh, no, I'll never make it!" way so much as in the "wait, why did I even think I wanted that?" way.

    Which is not a bad thing.

    But it is a hard thing to explain to people.  (Especially my mother.  Ugh...trying to explain that to her is like trying to pull out my own teeth with my bare fingers.)

    I don't even want to try to make money off my writing anymore.  I don't like the idea, in part because I've seen what you have to do to your work in order to make any money off of it--and what can happen to you and/or your work if you do start making money.  Honestly, it's that latter part that really frightens me.  I don't like the idea of too many people seeing what I write.  A small handful, yes, that's great--and I admit that there's a part of me that longs for more people to read my words--but when you get too many people, then you just get attacked by noisy hateful people who just want to tear you down simply because you exist.  I'm too thin-skinned and much too susceptible to verbal attacks for that; I wouldn't survive it, possibly literally.  So long as I'm only putting a few tiny things out on the internet for free, and so long as none of them somehow go viral, I should be safe.  I can write what I want, and not have to worry about trolls coming after me.  "Success" is like a magnet for trolls; I don't want that magnet anywhere near me.

    That probably sounds cowardly, and maybe it is cowardly, but it's what feels right for me.  Just putting my writing out in tiny, free contexts has let me find a few kindred spirits, and that's more than enough for me.

    Honestly, that's probably the biggest reason I'm unlikely to do any more game jams:  you get too much attention out of it.  (There's also the stress, of course, but the attention is something that doesn't go away after the jam is over.  Well, it will eventually dwindle, but people do go back to old, long-completed game jams and just browse over the entries.  I've seen it happen with my other game jam projects.)